Baby Boomer Women Sandwiched Between Caring for Parents & Children
There are likely to be more elderly women in the family than men. If you like statistics, you can probably trace this to studies that say that women live longer than men. It can be argued that this will change in time because women are doing more and more of the type of activities that were historically only performed by men and should trend toward the same life span as men.
No matter your position, we have older women in our society today than men. According to a Cornel University study, elderly mothers are four times more likely1 to choose an adult daughter over a son as a caregiver—regardless of important aspects like mental health or the adult child’s other responsibilities. The choice was most often based on picking the child the mother felt closest to emotionally. Gender was a major aspect of most mothers’ decisions. Many reported discomfort with the idea of having a son perform a personal care task like bathing.
Historically women were responsible for domestic duties and as a result the role of caregiver naturally fell in their laps. Today, women take on duties that are the same as men. It is not unusual then that the female caregiver can become overworked and stressed. Many of these baby boomer caregivers hold full-time jobs and have children of their own. These are some of the underlying factors behind caregiver burnout.
Take care of yourself first
You cannot help you elderly parents if you land in the hospital yourself. It is normal to desire to be good, and dependable, the one who comes through in a pinch—but you also want to sleep, have a life and do fun things from time to time. These emotions vacillate inside of you and feel like tiny tsunamis that crash over you, pulling back only to leave guilt and shame in their wake. The only sure way to break the cycle and truly help an aging parent is to know your limits.
How much time and energy do you really have? And how much help does your parent need? These questions should be asked and answered on a regular basis. You are going to need help. Ask for it—and if that doesn’t work, then demand it. Many family caregivers will advocate for their elder parent but not themselves. Keep in mind that you are only good to them when you are taken care of yourself.
Use support and respite
Support and respite are the two tools you need to have at hand. Caregiver burnout is common. To avoid it, find others in similar situations to talk to and also take a break from the role every once in a while. Online forums can provide a great place to meet others in your situation. Contacting local social workers or geriatric care managers can also be beneficial, as it is always a good idea to get an expert’s advice—and these experts are well-versed in what it takes to be a caregiver.
Giving care to someone else is one of the greatest things that a being can do. Your loved ones thank you for it even if they are no longer able to express their thanks.
References
- Cornell University, “Who will help older mothers when they most need it? By far, their No.1 choice is daughters, Cornell study finds “, http://www.news.cornell.edu/stories/June06/caregiver.choice.ssl.html
, assessed, December 12, 2009.
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