Parenting Your Elderly Parent or Spouse: Tips for Talking to Aging Parents about Financial Matters

Caring for your elderly loved one is one of the greatest gifts that you can give. They may no longer be able to express their appreciation, but you can be sure they sure thank you for it. It is akin to the thanks and appreciation we feel for our parents for the care they took when we were in diapers. We are around to know the difference it made in our lives and thank them for it but your elderly loved one may no longer be able to express their appreciation and certainly would not be around for any change to happen.

Things that used be easy for your loved ones to do are now only a distant memory away. Simple things line dressing themselves, eating, expressing themselves are now difficult. Worse, they may not understand why you cannot understand them. Even when they begin to realize the problems, they may begin to hide it from you. They engage in conversations using simple scripts that make you think that they are following. But at last, it is only a ruse.

They still like to drive themselves even when they can get into an accident because their muscles could not react fast enough to press the brake pedal. You are not alone. This is an experience that our children will also go through if we are lucky enough to be around in the twilight years. It is easy to become frustrated but managing the situation is within your grasp. The starting place for your plan is getting information from sources such as this website, family, and friends who are going through the same issues.

Dealing with Communication Problems

Making things simple is the key. When you talk to your elderly loved one, use simple sentences. You do not have to shout. Even when their hearing is not as good as it used to be, they are still sensitive in being made to look as if they are deaf. Approach him from the front and look directly at the person. You can touch him to draw his attention but try not to startle him. When you speak, do so slowly and deliberately using simple sentences. It may take some time to get response back. That is ok. It is also good therapy for you to listen more to your elderly ones talk about their stories instead if you asking questions. Remember, they do not want to be treated as children.

Finding time for exercise

Your elderly ones still need to exercise the body. The parts of the body that we use are the ones that grow. Even our bones regenerate about every ten years. They may no longer be able to engage in strenuous exercises but you can adapt the types of exercises they love to the simpler variations. Memory jogging exercises are particularly helpful.

Safer Environment

You will have to adapt the environment to make it easy and safer for him to move about. Form using larger signs and pictures to label popular areas like bathrooms and kitchen, to removing clutter from the environment, making things simple and safer should be the goal.

Consider the following issues when assessing the environment:

• Look for patterns of behavior. Something as innocuous as a doorbell ringing can be upsetting to a person with dementia. If this happens, try posting a note to have visitors knock instead.
• A person with dementia may mistake dolls and/or images from the TV or in the mirror for actual people. If this is a problem, cover or remove mirrors and dolls and turn off the TV.
• Busy patterns, particularly on walls or carpeting, can agitate a person with dementia. Choose plain designs if possible.
• Don't forget that you are an important part of the environment. Some of the best things you can do are to stay calm, divert attention away from a negative stimulus, and speak in soft tones. Sometimes offering praise or treats such as food items can alleviate anxiety.

Offering Help

Your loved one needs help. They however do not want to be treated like children. The first step is to make the task simpler. You can use multiple steps that have easy goals. Some of the steps you can offer to help with while he does some of them. The goal is to get to the objective in a safe and non-threatening way for your loved one.
People value their independence and you are not there to take over their life but you sure can make it simple and less stress free. There also may be times when all else fails that you have to play touch love. In those times you can explain carefully why things have to be the way you recommended.

Dealing with Behavioral Challenges

Your elderly loved one may begin to show some behavioral changes. They are not doing this on purpose. Their actions may be explained some underlying reasons.

• Pain or illness.
• Noisy environment or over-stimulation.
• Unfamiliar or unrecognizable surroundings.
• Frustration due to difficulty communicating or completing activities.

If dementia is also present, two common behavior challenges are acting out and wandering.

Acting Out

People with dementia sometimes become anxious or agitated, and may even scream, hit, or push. Try not to take the aggressive behavior personally. Instead, stay calm and use a soft, reassuring tone. Redirect by engaging in a relaxing activity, such as art, music, or massage. Contact the hospice team since changes in behavior can be signs of infection, illness or pain.

Suggestions:

• Keep the area quiet with few distractions.
• Make note of what “triggers” the behavior and try to avoid it.

Wandering

You may notice the person pacing or walking aimlessly as a result of confusion, restlessness or boredom. For some, it is a way of communicating fears or needs. Make sure the person is getting the right amount of rest, food and drink. Provide reassurance that he is safe. Allow him to wander in areas that are well lit and secure, and walk with him.

Suggestions:

• Remove throw rugs and electrical cords that could cause tripping.
• Install childproof latches or doorknobs.
• Post signs for rooms (ex. “Bathroom”, “Kitchen”).
• Keep car keys out of sight.
• Keep identification on him at all times.
• Do not rearrange furniture.

Sundowner’s Syndrome

People with early-stage dementia sometimes become agitated or confused at certain times of the day. The end of the day or late afternoon is a common time for this to occur. This is referred to as sundowning or Sundowner's Syndrome. People who suffer from Sundowner's Syndrome often have trouble sleeping and their dementia symptoms are exacerbated late in the day. Symptoms for Sundowner’s syndrome1 include increased agitation, anger, confusion, depression, disorientation, paranoia, rapid mood changes and restlessness. These emotions then trigger behaviors such as crying, hiding things, pacing, wandering or even violence. The individual may experience hallucinations. It's still not clear what causes sundowning (e.g., the changing environment and light, or having had a full day of activities, or being tired), but the following suggestions, courtesy of the Alzheimer’s Association2, can help in dealing with symptoms of Sundowner's Syndrome:

Suggestions:

• Allow for light exposure in the early morning to help set internal clock.
• Encourage exercise throughout the day to expend excess energy.
• Limit caffeine intake, particularly in the evening.
• Have a quiet nighttime activity ready and a private space for relaxing.
• Consider purchasing a bedside commode to alleviate the need to visit the bathroom during the night.
• Schedule doctor's appointments regularly and make sure pain isn't an issue.
• Make sure that the house is secured so your loved one will be safe if he or she wanders at night.

Handling Financial and Legal Issues

You have to watch out for financial and legal decision making. Balancing the check book for example, may have been easy when they were younger, it could lead to a number of issues for your elderly parent.
If your parents had been lucky to make their wishes known in writing when they were younger, you are one of the lucky ones. You need to help make those wishes executed. If there are no advance directives, it is still not too late. It is time to get the family together and work with your loved one to put together the advance directives. Planning is the key to making sure that your elderly parent’s twilight years are as they wished.

Driving

We never think that we are getting old. We can still left the rock as we did when we were twenty and drive when we are in our nineties. While the decline in our abilities varies from individual to individual, a time will come when we can no longer drive safely. Our muscles can no longer respond quickly when we think about applying the break. You need to get your elderly parents to the physician. Together, you can determine when it is no longer safe for your elderly loved one to drive.

Taking care of yourself

You have to remember that you cannot help your elderly one, if you end up in the hospital bed. There are tough decisions that you are going to make. Some are going to make you feel guilty. Those feelings can affect your life and well being. Seek support from other caregivers, family members and stave off stress by sharing information.

Suggestions:

• Know you limits. Prioritize your day and do not feel guilty about chores that don’t get done.
• Plan ahead and have a back-up plan.
• Ask for help when it is needed and accept it when it is offered.
• Trust your instincts.
• Do not expect to feel cheery every day.
• Talk to the hospice team. Share your concerns and feelings.
• Look for support from other family members.
• Maintain good health. Get enough rest, eat properly, and exercise.
• Do not isolate yourself. Try to maintain friendships and other social contacts.
• Watch out for signs of depression. (See below)
• Utilize “respite care.”
• Contact your local Alzheimer's Association chapter for on-going support groups.
• Be gentle with yourself.
• Take one day at a time.

Taking care of an elderly parent or spouse is not easy. There are complex problems and decision making that you are going to be involved with. Take heart! You are not alone. The internet, local bookstore, social groups, and family members are good sources of information to make your journey easy.

Related Articles

• Early Signs and Symptoms of Dementia: What to Look For
• Recognize the Signs of Early Memory Loss in Your Elderly Parent
• Does Your Parent Need Help at Home? 10 Things to Check When You Visit